I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
