Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
