I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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