At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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