just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
