girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
