while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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