At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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