I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
