The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
