just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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