I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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