i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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