I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
