she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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