If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
