I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
