The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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