I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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