i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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