i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
