I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
