So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
