the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
