How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
