I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
