Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
