rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
