I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
