woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
