Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
