jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
