i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
