Capitaan dildo arrescate!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
