Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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