Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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