worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
