Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
