I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
