I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
