Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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