I just threw up on my dentist
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
