She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
