I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
