there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
