2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
