I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
