I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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