dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize