I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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