Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize