he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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