did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
