I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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