You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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