I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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