quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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