I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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