What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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