There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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